I Have No Excuse

Day 11: Do something you find embarrassing.

This one only made it on my list a few days ago while conversing with a friend. We were talking about the difference between our happiest times in life and not. I straightforwardly declared, “you start feeling like crap the moment you take yourself too seriously.”

Ding. Ding. I didn’t realize how quickly the time to do something embarrassing would come.

My friend A is the world’s best deal finding, coupon clipping, penny saving woman I know. She can usually make money on a transaction. Pair this board game weekly savings with a $5 dollar back store coupon then after she mails in the rebate, she’s somehow earned money.

Several of my favorite texts have become A’s midday communication regarding some absurd deal. However today at 3 o’clock, I couldn’t help but laugh at the text I received.

“RC Willey is selling the New Moon DVD for $8.95 in case you want to own it. ;)”

I found myself in a moral dilemma. I am more than willing to tell you I have read all of the books. I am more than willing to tell you I received the boxed book set this past Christmas as a gift.

I am also more than willing to tell you how last year, some of my friends who usually call me up to borrow from my movie collection phoned looking for Twilight. I explained to them I didn’t have it. When they inquired how this could be so, I elaborated simply by relating there was no way I could ever respect myself if I ever purchased that movie.

At the end of August last summer, I received the movie Twilight as one of my birthday gifts from a friend. We all shared a good laugh over it.

So today’s text conflicted me. One: Was New Moon’s release date today? (Secretly I’m giddy for June’s third installment and this just means I’m that much closer.) Two: I already own the first movie. What can’t I respect about it all? My owning or my purchasing? Three: Can you really ever pass up a deal for the two disc, widescreen, special edition version of any movie for $8.95?

I picked up my phone and called the friend who gifted me the first movie. “What should I do?” I queried. She frankly told me to buy it right away and to head to her house where she would provide the pizza if I brought the movie.

So for something embarrassing. I left work at 4:30 feeling as dirty as a mistress knowing she’s en route for the motel rendezvous.

“Was I really going to do this?” I couldn’t stop questioning myself. But alas I parked the car outside of the RC Willey outlet. It was on the way home and I literally didn’t have to drive one foot out of my way to get there.

I snatched my wallet out of my purse and shuffled through the entrance. I kept my head tucked down and was approached by my first salesman. To know RC Willey is to know everyone working there earns commissions from their sales. The employees are like vultures.

“Can I help you with anything,” he asked and I curtly replied I was fine. But I wasn’t. I looked around. I could see the couches. I could see the mattresses. I could see the washers and dryers. I could even see the televisions and electronics. Yet I could not see the DVDs.

I felt as mortified as those “standing naked in the town square” dreams leave you feeling. Did I really have to ask someone where the DVDs were?

“Excuse me. Where can I find the DVDs?”

“Aw, you must be here for New Moon,” he replied.

“Actually I’m not, “ I countered in as bold faced a lie I ever told. He pointed me in the right direction and it took me seconds to realize all of the shame I harbored was for nothing. I couldn’t find the movie. The fates were against me. Mocking me in my un-truths.

Exasperated, I looked towards the cashier for help. “Are these all the movies you have?”

“Yes, ma’am,” she responded. “Are you looking for New Moon because we’ve sold out of that
one?”

“Nope, I’m just browsing,” and I felt my soul slowly slipping away. I was a murderer. A slayer of the truth. No, I was delusional. Had I completely lost touch with reality and my factual reason for being in this very establishment?

I quickly moved toward the exit only to be approached by another 3 salesmen or so. With my eyes glued to the floor, I exited the building and briskly walked to the car.

Still I pulled out my phone and as nimbly as my fingers worked, I couldn’t believe what I was doing. I had immediately googled the RC Willey in the bordering town and was mid-dial before I felt a new wave of anxiety.

Was I really going to do this? Was there any force to step in and save my self-dignity?

I suppose not, because I was beyond securing the information by that point. Yes, indeed they had the movie and would I like them to reserve one for me. I answered the best I could. No, thank you.

This RC Willey was no outlet. The square footage was tripled which meant the distance between me and the movie was tripled. All the way in the back far corner. This also meant the number of salesmen had tripled. These were their sharpest dressed and smoothest tongued creatures reserved for battles waged against the middle class working man.

Immediately I was approached and I shortly inquired, “DVDs?” He pointed to the back. I hastily marched through the furniture which stood as road blocks aimed to divert my straight arrow tactic from point A to point B.

I listened as I heard one salesman enlighten a shopper, “and if you spend $1000 today, we will throw in a copy of Harry Potter for free.”

Just when you think you are free from humiliation and disgrace, the only thing between you and the movie is the cashier requesting your phone number, email address, and other personal information to set up nothing short of a line of credit.

The last thing I needed was this purchase, of ALL of the purchases I make this year, to be so closely linked to my very identity.

“Is this necessary? I just want to buy the movie for my friend as a gift. She will absolutely love this.” What the heck was wrong with me? This was it. The point of sale. I couldn’t finish the transaction without a final lie? No under aged werewolf, I mean vampire, fine I mean werewolf was worth it.

So with all of the false information I could summon spur of the moment relayed, I walked out having sold my soul for a total of nine dollars and fifty-three cents.

If you want to borrow it, please call. Heaven knows I’ve paid the price for it.

But I laughed all the way to the car, all the way through the movie, and I’m even laughing now while writing this. I’m absolutely ridiculous.