My Journey

Sometime ago, I felt overcome with hopelessness.  The days were rolling by and each felt as though I was surviving it rather than thriving from it.  Try as I may, I didn’t think I could struggle out from under the weight of my duties.  And that was how everything felt.  I was bound by obligation rather than participating in something greater than myself.  Participating in choice.  Participating with purpose. 

Purpose is a large part of how I find fulfillment and I was missing it in my Big 3.  Work.  Life.  Spirituality.  Without a sense of contribution, a donation to something bigger than me, something better than me, I was sinking in the everyday mundane routine.

My prayers increased in frequency and fervency.  I petitioned my Maker for help.  I offered the most earnest, sincere prayers of my life.  And each time I received the same answer.  “Leap!  I will catch you and you will fly.”  Though I understood the miracle of any answered prayer, much less one answered with such clarity and such reassurance, my mind seemed too bogged down in hopelessness to clearly understand the offering I was being extended.

Though starving without purposefulness, I was managing to get a meal here or there through pop-culture or some current event.  This year I couldn’t keep my eyes off of Scotland.  I was recommended a historical fiction book which took place in 18^th century Scotland.  I sat in a hotel room in Johannesburg, South Africa watching the Commonwealth Games taking place in Scotland.  The Scottish Independence Referendum was all over the news.  It was a country I was consistently aware of.

Specifically, The Indy Ref made Scotland the boy I didn’t have a crush on but couldn’t stop noticing every time I was in the same room with him.  I was energized by witnessing Scotland’s passion.

I AM energized by witnessing passion in humanity.

Since graduating from university, I many times stated to whoever listened if I had any sort of insight into my 18 year old self, I would have majored in Anthropology.  

I communicated this frequently to friends or to my office-mate.  She mentioned it wasn’t the first time she heard me announce this and that I should just go back to school.  For whatever reason, I never received it well.  I quickly brushed it aside with little consideration or attention.

A month ago, on a day just like every other, I was in a meeting which was boring me to tears.  At the end, the facilitator asked if there was any additional agenda items we needed to address.

I felt myself, against my better judgment, speaking up.  In a whimsical way, I lightened the mood by mentioning the iOS update from the day before and how even though it crashed my phone, I recommended it.  I also informed the room of the Scottish Indy Ref vote taking place and I explained briefly the importance of what was happening in another part of the world while we discussed business strategies.  My heart was invested in that boy after all and certainly more than my own present affairs.

My fellow peers knew little about what it all meant exactly and asked questions.  I did my best to comprehensively and succinctly field those questions.  I explained the pros and cons surrounding English/ Scottish historical events, current UK government & economy, trade & commerce, and perhaps most importantly, how all of that was affecting the people of England and Scotland.

Afterward, one of my colleagues frankly declared, “You need to be a professor.  I now feel educated and emotionally invested.”  I don’t know why but for some reason, every cell of my body lit on fire and it felt easy for me to accept right then.

I never made any plans to attend graduate school and long since feared going back.  I did not academically prepare for it.  And with each passing year, I felt more and more insecure.  Amid thirteen years of work experience under my belt and with a complete lack of confidence, I decided there was no harm to apply to a graduate program.

The before mentioned office-mate and I scoured the internet for programs and schools.  It took me little time to realize there was a UK specific program approach in the field of anthropology.  It had less to do with America's classic cultural curriculum most think of and more to do with a social/ societal take on the field.  I noticed I was interested in this type of program rather than the good old fashioned archeologically based curriculums in the States. 

The more I dug through the internet, I noticed the Europeans' ownership of this type of program beyond that here in the States.  As we investigated, I wondered, “Could I actually attend a graduate program as an international student?”  There were so many other facets of going back to school which nearly launched me into a panic attack.  Certainly, I wasn’t going to engage in the unknown beyond my backyard.

But the programs excited me.  And the fact I was feeling excitement was absolutely intoxicating.  I came back day 2 and started to explore potential programs again.  I couldn’t stop.  That’s when I decided I was going to try.  I found a website where you could enter the program you wished to study and it would populate a list of schools who offered your program.  I put in my desired coursework and the search yielded a list in the high eighties.

I thought English programs would be limited however it became apparent most graduate programs in Europe are taught in English.  I started to click on schools in Austria and Norway as though any dream was possible.  In the end, if I was going to do this, for real do this, I wanted to attend a “good school.”

I was back to looking at the UK mostly because the thought of living there for a year only left me in a half conscious state rather than fully paralyzed.

When I pulled up the University of Edinburgh’s website, searched social anthropology, and watched the video front and center on the page, my soul quieted.

I found what felt like home.  It seemed as though some entity had walked me straight to the school and delivered me directly to the program to which I was betrothed.

What happened afterwards is something which can only be described as divine intervention.  Nephi described it as being “led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do.”  (1 Nephi 4:6)  I found myself clicking on links to apply but discovered the application process was not yet opened.

I formed a plan.  In the past two years, I tried many times unsuccessfully to develop an exit strategy and subsequent plan for myself.  I confided in two friends of my newly created plan and allowed them to champion me into action.

I spoke to a judicious man who I esteem greatly who counseled me through a few of my concerns.  We discussed the possibilities and he expanded upon my vision.  He encouraged me to think bigger and to consider more.  We shaped a strategy for procuring a letter of recommendation from my current CEO.  We discussed the set-up and conversation surrounding the news and subsequent request.  He boosted my confidence.  He bolstered my dream.  He discerned my great value and told me so.

Two days later, I appeared outside of my Chief Executive Officer’s office a little nervous.  Here is a man who I respect greatly.  This is a man whose character I appreciate so much it seems only natural to seek reciprocated approval.  A man who for every time we talked & I left feeling inspired was matched with ten more instances of watching him from afar in similar awe & inspiration.  His assistant notified him of my arrival whereupon he stated, “if she is here to tell me she’s leaving, I won’t meet with her.”

Immediately I smiled because of the fondness I felt then and felt many times before for him.  Still, the nerves kicked up as I was about to notify him of my potential plans to eventually move on.  I bashfully entered and took my seat across from him.  He smiled warmly and greeted me with joy.  He offered me a cookie and therein commenced our conversation.

I informed him I was not yet leaving.  I told him I was merely examining possibilities surrounding my future path.  I notified him that higher education was definitely something I was considering since it seemed so obviously necessary for me to continue contributing to this world utilizing my particular talents and skills.

What followed was a rigorous barrage of questions surrounding my decision.  He asked me why I considered this option.  He asked what my major would be and then asked me to defend that decision.  He asked what institutions I intended to apply to as well as what I thought my chances of getting in would be.  He inquired what I believed the weakest part of my application was.  He asked how I intended to pay for it all and if I had even included my additional living expenses along with my tuition costs.

Though the discussion was unexpectedly thorough, I realized afterwards I spoke with more decisiveness (though without eloquence) than I ever managed at any other time in my life.  As each question was presented, and unfortunately I admit I had given little thought to most of them, I experienced again what I had experienced on a number occasions in the days previous.

My usually indecisive nature was experiencing moments of acute clarity.  It felt as though my mind and heart cracked open and I knew easily what I wanted and how I would tackle getting it - answers which on any other day of my life would have felt lost in the muddled mass of my brain.

The program opened three days after I found it.  My name, email, and social security number later, I commenced the application process.  I wanted to click submit as quickly as I could.

But with each step, some unknown resistance pushed against me.  Filled with fear and insecurities, I wondered if I would even submit it.

Elder Holland stated, “It is the plain and very sobering truth that before great moments, certainly before great spiritual moments, there can come adversity, opposition, and darkness. Life has some of those moments for us, and occasionally they come just as we are approaching an important decision or a significant step in our life.”

I found bravery to do what on my own I would not have been capable to do from a materializing circle of supporters.

Ten days later, I did submit.  Somehow I obtained the recommendations, tracked down the transcripts & diploma, and hammered out the essays.  I created a CV and expansively summarized my life beyond my test scores and body of work.  My accomplishments.  My interests.  My future aspirations.

Were there other schools?  Not initially but I was persuaded to consider two more schools – Oxford and Cambridge.  Ultimately, I knew if I was accepted to the University of Edinburgh, I would easily surrender to Scotland.

To say I felt unexpectedly though clearly taken by the hand and led to both program and school is an understatement.  I know my truth.  Never before have I felt so compelled to go somewhere and to do something so specific.  I assume others have had this experience with regards to missions or marriage.  But I suspect few times in my life will I be able to pinpoint with certainty a time when the Spirit led and I doubtlessly followed.

I am better because of the experience.  More resolved.  More faithful.   I feel aid from both sides of the veil rallying around my decision – a decision years in the making which I see clearly now.