My Recent Heart Doctor

I’d be completely ungrateful if I didn’t take time to share a well earned shout-out.

My mama doesn’t read this blog. But this entry is dedicated to her.

My mother bore MANY children. I have mixed feelings about this fact mostly because of this one subsequent fact.

I feel she could only lend herself out so much. And usually the recipient of her uh-may-zing maternal care-giving skills was whoever needed it the most. With a few “more-needy” children, I feel like I frequently got lost in the shuffle.

But this isn’t to commentary on what I didn’t get. Rather my mom pulled through like a champ for me this past couple of weeks.

I had my heart broken as badly as I ever have save one other time and the pain was acute. I thought I would explode and I didn’t know who to turn to. My mind would throw out my mother as an option and many times I batted away the thought.

Until one day when I was driving home from work and could shoulder the burden no longer, I phoned the woman whom I NEVER speak with about any of my relationships and broke down in complete bedlam.

Luckily she had visited in February and whatever miniscule insight it gave her into the situation was the perfect starting point from there until now. I gave her all of the good, the bad, and the ugly of the relationship.

I cried. I cried. And I cried.

Every day for 5 days straight. And she soothed every day for 5 days straight. Then I weaned myself to every other day. Then every couple of days.

So mama (even though I know you are NOT reading this), thank you for being everything I needed anyone to be for me in that situation.

You were my light in the middle of a very dark moment and I’m grateful for that.

Who Hasn't Said It?

I love listening to music pretty much any time of day. I listen to it when I get ready in the morning. I listen to it when I’m working. I listen to it when I want to rev it up. I listen to it when I want to chill it out. I listen to it before a date. I listen to it while I write in my journal.

Needless to say, I do a lot of collecting.

Every now and again, I will hear a song on the radio or in a movie and think, “I NEED that song. How do I not have it yet?” Inevitably, I’ll go home to download it and upon adding it to my library, I’ll discover it’s already there.

I loathe this feeling so much in a way I have a hard time articulating. Often times it comes down to this thought. “You mean I've had it all the time? I could have been enjoying it this entire time? It’s been right here?”

The metaphor, my friends, closely follows what I've discovered of late.

My life is good. Still my life is hard.

I've discovered a difference between those who succeed and those who fall short. Those who succeed dig in and hold on through the storm. I don’t mean merely wade through the storm. Rather, they look around and find some useful tools to help them best weather that storm.

In these storms I’ll frequently look around to acquire some useful tool to help me and frequently when I go to add it to my ‘character traits library,’ I’ll discover it’s already there.

“You mean I’ve had it all the time? I could have been enjoying it this entire time? It’s been right here?”

I once had a wise man pronounce to me, ‘trials are for defining your character to you.’ I suppose this is one of life’s best kept secrets … or most cliché phrases. You are stronger than you think you are.

And me… I’m a rock.