Let There Be... Dark

Dear Scotland,

Your days were getting shorter and at first that was all I noticed. I can be so dense sometimes.

The sun kept falling asleep long before I was falling asleep. I just thought you and he had a falling out. I didn’t understand if your intent was to make me choose sides or if it was merely a fact about you I needed to know.

But you persistently offered me this endowment and after a few days I realized the gift.

Previously for me, the transition of day to night had always happened in my transition from work to play. I never took the time to notice the transformation because I was never still enough during my crossroads.

But you placed it before my blind eyes time and time again whispering, “Look!” I couldn’t see the grandeur you quietly placed on display.

Tonight, or rather today, I sat in the sterile library facing the bustling city center as the unseen sun set. I glanced up in time to notice the glow fade from the atmosphere. I lazily appreciated the sight and then I looked down to read some more.

I gazed up again to see the lethargic pale pinks fade into yawning deep purples. I looked down to read some more and as I continued, I felt you strongly urge me to stop and examine again. I put down my pen and closed my laptop. As I studied the sky once more, I observed those autumn violets fade into sapphire blues. And I caught my breath.

The onyx church steeples and raven trees silhouetted against the indigo horizon as the final rays of light abandoned this darkening sky for another brighter sky western bound.

I can count on two hands the number of times I have actively watched the sun set. I can count on a couple of fingers how many times I have watched an urban cityscape sunset. I can count on one finger how many times I have watched the shadowy autumn sky revealed against a castle backdrop from the top floor of a building the night before Halloween.

And I loved it.

Me

Month One: Figuring It Out

The following is an update. However, the following is also a refined compilation of the many texts and emails I’ve sent to loved ones in the past few weeks. So I apologize if you’ve received one, two, or all of the below.

“Then Jesus beholding him loved him, and said unto him, One thing thou lackest: go thy way, sell whatsoever thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come, take up the cross, and follow me."

“And he was sad at that saying, and went away grieved: for he had great possessions.” Mark 10: 21-22

I knew the transition would be hard for me. Ta da! It's been hard for sure. But I like to think I demonstrated the smallest piece of faith. I sold all that I had. I took up the cross.

My flat: I have six flat mates. I'm the only native English speaker. Malaysia, India, Italy, Mexico, and two Chinese. Our kitchen smells like curry married a quesadilla and sired some spicy noodle monster. I eat cereal.

Scotland/ Edinburgh: I consider myself well traveled. Inverness, Isle of Skye, Glasgow, St Andrew’s, Stirling, and Edinburgh… all done. Each got at least a day. I’ve toured four castles, hiked Arthur’s Seat, two waterfalls, Lock Ness, William Wallace Monument, and the Glasgow Royal Concert Hall. If a performer does leave England and chooses to come to Scotland, that’s where they play. Crosby, Stills, and Nash was sound checking the day I was there and well, you can check the site if you care. I’m just saying… big names. Beautiful venue.

Scotland is equal parts underwhelming and majestic to me. The landscape, the same one which everyone raves about for it’s crags, glens, moors, and lochs, looks a lot like Pennsylvania.

My sister, Mary, and I decided to do a Lock Ness tour. We decided to get in a boat out on the loch and peel our eyes for a creature I highly suspect is mythical. Let’s remember. Scotland’s state animal is the unicorn. They believe in Fairies (spirits, neither good or bad but usually mischievously engaged) and Standing Stones (stones believed to be placed by the Druids marking weak spots on Earth known for time travel.)

Mary and I commented on a number of occasions the similarity in landscape between this great country and the equally great state we hail from. We met this Texan who raved and raved about emerald Scotland. We told her it looked like home to us. She countered. We quietly observed most people know little about pastoral Pennsylvania landscape.

However, this same “underwhelming” Scotland is not without her majesty. She sneaks up on you. You may find yourself walking out of the Apple store on Princes Street on a random evening minding your own business. Then the glowing golden sun illuminates Edinburgh Castle & glitters off the water and it smacks you right in the face. Bonny Scotland. I’m living in one of the most beautiful cities I’ve ever been in.

Church: My second week here was Stake Conference and I embellish nothing when I say it was the best one of my life.

The stake is a reflection of our Stake President, who I swear is future general authority material. He was the most incredible person with the most incredible spirit who taught the most incredible doctrine. Saturday night during adult session, I wept through his entire talk. Not shed a tear... or two... or three. Wept. The spirit was so strong the entire time.

The conference theme was hastening the work and it was honestly the first time I LOVED the topic. I know that sounds terrible. But I felt inspired. And motivated. And desirous to get down to the business of doing the Lord’s errand EVERY day with EVERY one.

I admit tears seem to flow freely for me these days but ONLY when I feel the spirit witnessing truths that will change my life. For example: Say 'the church is true' and I’m dry. (The Spirit.) Tell me I should floss and I’m dry. (The truth.)

Tell me there is a great need in this world for Heavenly’s Father children to acquaint themselves with their Maker, to further secure their salvation AND happiness. Tell me that I personally have been endowed with a unique gift to direct them to this knowledge. And do so emitting LOVE and wielding the SPIRIT, I’m a puddle.

Sunday general session was just as amazing. It started with the Stake President and AGAIN, I was in tears the entire talk. He is THAT marvelous predicated alone on the Spirit he carries with him, the savior’s love he conveys, and an overall sense of good strong testimony. More scottish beautiful souls with humble beautiful testimonies and for two seconds I wondered why we stray so far from the basics. It ended with the Seventy - who was the only American accent the entire two days.

Two weeks ago, I taught Relief Society... a familiar task.

School: First week was matriculation. The UK takes this very seriously and very ceremoniously. You’re not a technical student until you complete matriculation. Week one I was on campus. I met my department (School of Political Science), my programme (Social Anthropology), and my Personal Tudor who is also my professor for one of my classes this semester.

His name is Dimitri and he is from Greece. He is so chill. The type of chill which makes an anxiety prone gal feel a little better about school in a foreign land. But also the kind of chill which makes you understand why Greece is bankrupt. (I know I know. I’m stereotyping.) Fingers crossed for the semester.

I’m wrapping up weeks two, three & four of classes. I felt some peace at finally figuring out which courses to take. Registering for classes here is a deal. You do it with your personal tudor and essentially craft the specific education you wish to receive. I chose my next 12 months of classes (having attended more than I will actually take) and feel a relief at the completion of such.

IN CONCLUSION: I still doubt myself. I probably will this entire experience. Almost nothing feels comfortable yet. I have what feels like an ebb & flow stomach ache. BUT I am looking for the good. I LOVE the gospel. It’s the only thing I love in this world. I love (though painful) re-establishing my connection with Deity. Not that I didn’t have it before, but… it’s changing.

A good pal of mine told me to get down to the business of discovering why I was led here. Why I am here. FOR NOW, I am trying to see “the need.” If someone looks homesick, I try to offer comfort. If someone needs to borrow a power adapter, I lend. I see people, I smile. I don’t have much to give, but I am trying to serve with the very little I have.

I wish I were stronger, however the experience has wholly torn me from my comfort zone and I am acutely reminded how weak I am.

Far Far Away...

It’s 9PM on a Saturday night in October and I’m feeling the dual residency thing again.

My days have been grey for a week now. The Scots have a word for this weather. Driech. It’s about as damp and cold as the word sounds. I’ve not only been sporting long sleeves all week but layers of long sleeves. Three layers most days. I forgot how the humidity penetrates cotton and can make a cool day feel cold.

But my mind is hanging out in some far off place where I’m surrounded by azure skies and golden bales of hay. The air is merely crisp and once twilight hits, the sky falls black but no one cares. Hundreds of stars wink at the people below navigating their way through corn field mazes and autumn orange pumpkin patches.

This is also the time of year I seem to notice a few more cowboy boots, a couple more pick-up trucks, and hear a handful more country songs. It’s harvest and the farmers are about their business.

This is the month where I should be blanketed with a warm pallet of colors or the spicy smells of ciders.

I sit here in the monochromatic dreich... but I'm listening to country music.

White Flag

I learned in my undergraduate degree that perhaps the largest contributor to marital satisfaction is the management of expectations.

Anyone trying to successfully navigate any relationship has a working knowledge of this concept. "As my friend, I expect you to…" and the list ensues.

Dissatisfaction, simply put, is rooted in the failure to meet these expectations.

When you’re starting out, conflict grows out of inflexibility. But with time and maturity, our relationships can be blessings once we learn to evaluate, adjust, and rework those expectations. Our open mindedness is our greatest weapon against the war of enmity within our relationships.

I am a lover. And my relationships extend far beyond the notion of two people.


Dear Scotland,

Allow me to apologize. My skepticism of you made me lose sight of my true feelings.

I fell in love with you under the lens of romanticism depicted to me in music, art, literature, and cinema. I placed you on a pedestal you could never survive and wrapped you in a cloak of magic.

Upon meeting, your pastoral romance was replaced with urban living amongst many internationals. Your magic shattered into a million little pieces under the weight of my duty to the hard work of graduate school.

But dear Scotland, if you’ll allow me, I will spend my spare moments tracking down those shattered pieces until I am holding enough glittering twinkle to restore our romance.

It was my fault. I fell in love with what I thought you were. But I promise to fall in love with who you are.

Give me a chance?

Me