Authentic Self

“Guys, when a woman is slamming cupboards and tells you she’s ‘fine’ when you ask her what’s wrong, ASK AGAIN.”

I smiled to myself at my professor’s proclamation to the class. At the time, I don’t believe it had been something I had actually done in my life but could immediately sense it was something women do. Of course since my college days, it has become something I have done.

Was there ever a woman or person who existed in the world who at one time or another has not demonstrated incongruent verbal and non-verbal communication at the same time? I daresay not.

So when a roommate of mine last Saturday went from normal to angry in a millisecond, I observed the smashing of the dishwasher door and the banging of the cupboards to be so obviously indicative of her new mood. I already knew better than to waste my breath on the obvious question, are you mad?

The not so obvious questions were at what or who. Still to have asked her these questions in the moment would have resulted in shrouded deceit if not intentional dishonesty. I expected this. What I did not expect was THIS four days later.

This has since been resolved, though my frustration has had me pondering. I can’t help but wonder, why have we forsaken the notion of being honest in our dealings with our fellow men?

I only have myself to compare others against. I understand not wanting to talk about it in the heat of the moment, nevertheless, I’ve learned to talk it to death after the fact… in brutal honesty.

I’m starting to notice our lack of honesty has less to do with our honesty issues concerning others and more to do with our honesty issues concerning ourselves.

“You keep on building the lie, that you make up for all that you lack…” S.M.

Last Sunday evening, I went to a male friend’s house to find solace in a day of chaos. He gave me a hug. He provided me a glass of water. He popped popcorn. He furnished a pillow and blanket. He put on a movie. And he selflessly held me for the better portion of two hours.

He is a man who I trust. I trust him with my dreams. I trust him with my emotions. I trust him with my body. The type of trust which allows him to rest his hand on your softer parts and neither of you flinch at the contact.

It is a comfort derived from honesty. I’m not afraid to be truthful with him… or him to me. He has witnessed me yell, swear, and cry. And even when I’ve done it to him, he’s reminded me it’s often because of my frustration with myself that I sometimes do these things. In the moment, I contest his every accusation of such. Although in the stillness which inevitably follows, I concede.

So instead of penning a discourse on honesty for another ten paragraphs (which by the way, a trait I’m still working on), I leave you with what I know.

My honesty with others at any given time is directly correlated with my honesty to myself. Furthermore, when I have encountered an individual who seems to have a dishonest sense of reality, I repeatedly find an individual who has a dishonest sense of self.

A little more than two years ago, I conducted a personal re-evaluation. In an effort to ever improve my being, I made a few personal goals one of which constituted a concentrated effort in the exercise of being honest with me. An effort to maintain the truth of any situation to myself even if I had hidden it from another.

In so doing, I have found myself hiding the truth less and less towards others. I’m a late bloomer for sure. It has taken me almost thirty years to recognize the value of this while others seem to get it in twenty. Another advantage of my age I’m not willing to forfeit for youth.

Nowadays when I find myself figuratively slamming the cupboards, instead of hollering ‘all is fine’, I try to convey a more honest ‘don’t talk to me right now’ message.

***Post Script. Upon posting this blog, I stumbled aross a well known quote revealing the obviousness of my observation. I suppose I have had no original idea on the topic and the hypothesis has long since been concluded.

"This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man." W.S.