A Silver Lining

Day 25: Hot tub in a snow storm.

The great state of Utah continues to flex its muscles.

Is it Spring you ask? Well apparently at home in Pennsylvania it’s summer. Meanwhile I had my wipers on high battling the frozen precipitation this state boasts of in the winter… in April.

SKI UTAH. Sure. I’m all for it. However... in April? I urge you to put your snow away.

Tonight at my friends' house, we rigged the television into the window sill and watched two hours worth of shows such as the Colbert Report while sitting in the sizzling, silky, ph balanced water which is the common hot tub.

Life is stinking good sometimes.

Follow the Leader?

Day 24: Resolve to lead the troupe… next time.

I think it’s fair to say I’m a natural leader. This has been a luxury I have long since enjoyed.

But I remember a dynamic a little more than a decade ago where I was not so confident of this trait within me. In high school, it seemed there was a fine balance between influencing and being influenced. At least there was for me.

You wanted to speak up and be heard; it’s what made you a leader and what gave you voice.

Surprisingly, half of being a leader was just having the guts to grab the mic and say something. I believe people are generally listening and watching for someone to do or say something so they can more easily and also more passively agree or disagree.

As an adult, I have become comfortable in life securing that mic and giving my opinion freely from it. Sometimes it is well received. Sometimes it is not.

There is a group with which I associate on a regular basis. I am surprised to have seen our dynamic shift many times in the course of the relationship.

Today I sat at lunch in the throes of conversation and in an effort to influence them kept finding myself being influenced by them. I clearly could discern this fact and yet could find little sway over the matter.

I walked away from it disappointed. I felt stripped of my maturity and witnessed the return of a fifteen year old girl within me desperately wanting approval, desperately seeking to fit in and be cool.

While putting myself through the ringer, I remembered, half of being a leader is losing a fight. After all, people want to feel like they elected you rather than feel ruled by you.

Don’t seek to control others. Seek to influence them.

I Know The Answers Lie Far From This World

Day 23: Free write.

For the past two weeks, I’ve had the most atypical and quite frankly anomalous song in my head. The composers. Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice. The song. Any Dream Will Do.

And not the prologue version. The finale. The Any Dream Will Do completed by the final vindicated lyrics of “give me my colored coat.”

You’re singing it, huh? “May I return, to the beginning, the light is dimming, and the dream is too. The world and I, we are still waiting, still hesitating, ANY DREAM WILL DO… (dut dut dut dut duh)… give me my colored coat, my amazing colored coat.”

What if the bohemian writers of Happy Feet were right and we all have a “heartsong” inside of us? Only it can and does change with your standing in life?

Why is my suppressed soul singing Sir Webber and what does it all mean right now?

Yeah. You’ve all just witnessed one of many random musings I entertain in my psyche at any given time.

But The World Is Sleeping

Day 22: Embrace your spiritual side.

Four years ago, I was approached by an older man at a luncheon I was attending. Our conversation started light but rapidly grew intense as he made a comment about the peculiar nature of my aura. Yep, you heard me.

Caught off guard, I sought clarification. What color was it? What did it mean? What was peculiar about it?

I didn’t ask one question as he merely answered them as though he were picking thoughts out of my head. It was two colors, which wasn’t as uncommon as the mixture of the two colors I was sporting at that time.

I was fascinated with him. My desire to dive into my unconscious was strong and despite what I had been taught, to steer clear of psychics and the likes, I was captivated. However, I didn’t have it in me to blatantly seek out anything more about me.

I allowed him to speak about my aura and decided that would be it. So we pressed forward in another vein as soon as he had completed his elaboration on the aforementioned subject. We spoke of my job and my family and frankly little else.

Our encounter lasted under 5 minutes. Yet as I was departing from him, he pulled me aside and in an intimate fashion barely whispered towards my ear and candidly declared, “You are one of the most spiritual creatures I have ever met.”

I looked at him for a second entirely disarmed. I fumbled for the only retort I could offer in explanation.

“Well you know how orthodox our religion…”

He promptly cut me off. “I didn’t say religious. I said spiritual.”

I stared in disbelief. I knew, as certain as I breathe now, how accurate this statement was regarding me. I have always known it. It was one of the very first things I had ever come to learn about myself.

He expounded, “Should you never have been religious, you still would have been highly spiritual.” He finished with a prediction, the second of two made by him in our short visit.

The first was entirely flawed and erroneous. Yet the second I’ve never shared with anyone and am loosely waiting to see what happens.

I try to be a religious girl. It is not something which comes easily to me and my way of life. A single gal of my age should be out painting the town red every weekend and occasionally weeknight.

Yet I feel extremely anchored to a higher being. Bound by morals I feel would exist with or without religion. So I lead a rather conservative standard of living.

Today I listened intently as men from severely traditional times past counseled those within the sound of their voice. Those who are presently apart of a chaotic contemporary existence removed from the era of the speakers' maturation.

I’m not here to claim one generation superior or enlightened to another. I believe there is no better, only different. Nonetheless I discerned, truth now was truth then and I expect truth as it has always been so long as it has existed.

This much I know. Any honest seeker of truth can find it. You only need look as far as your spiritual self will allow and the rest, the rest will all shake out in the wash.

A Weekend Off

Day 21: Forget it’s a Friday night.

As a single girl, my social life has a lot to do with what evening of the week it is. Fridays are big. Saturdays are bigger. I decided to forfeit my social self for one evening to see what it would yield.

I listened as my peers discussed their weekend plans. I declined invitations to join them. I was surprised to feel as much anxiety as I did while my uneventful evening crept nearer to reality.

I reiterate again my “go go go” approach to my social life. I never slow down and I have a feeling this has been a detriment to me in some way. I can’t pinpoint it. The notion or the reasoning behind it. It just felt important to do this.

Slowing down through all of this has been good. I’ve had to slow down to think of and execute as well as record these happenings. I don’t honestly know yet what I will harvest from this.

I left work and meandered to my friend, A’s, home. She’s been like a sister to me for as long as I’ve known her, which has been the better part of ten years. So I had to laugh when upon entering her living room at 2:30pm, she asked, “Again?”

This last month of emotional turmoil for me has generated quite a few of these half-workday tearful afternoons.

Thankfully, this was not like that. I smiled at her and sat on her couch talking to a girl I have stayed up with late on many nights. Even though our late nights have evolved into afternoons with her kids, she is family to me and I knew how I wanted to spend my Friday evening.

I left A and went home to my apartment. This place produces mixed emotions for me. I ascended the stairs to my room, closed the door, slipped into bed and pulled up my laptop.

Chapter one of the evening. Catch up on an episode, any missed episode.

Chapter two. Take a nap. While everyone else in the city is getting gussied up, sleep off the anxiety.

Chapter three. Wake up and smile at the daylight.

Chapter four. Contact the brother who wanted the New Moon dvd the previous night and see if he and the wife still want to borrow it.

Chapter five. Score an invite to the only place in the valley you want to be on your technical evening off. With family.

I decided to forfeit my social self for one evening to see what it would yield. I imagine I’m not surprised to see it involved the people who usually are around to see you fall and still regularly are the ones to help you back up.

Set You Free

Day 20: Speak the truth.

“Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.” – Thomas Jefferson

It’s hard not to notice my blogs degrading in content and quality. The truth is, no one can write about happiness for thirty days and be able to say something entertaining and eloquent consistently.

The truth is, in the beginning it was about a list of things I wanted to do to proactively encourage a smile in others which would provoke one from me.

The truth is, there has been so much happening behind the scenes than I wish to share with an audience anymore. This project has long since migrated away from a checklist and metamorphosed into a feeling which I am happy to report more easily penetrates my life.

My mother used to say the people who need the most love are the most unlovable. Tragic, huh?

When I started this gig, I needed a little love. I had just come away from something leaving me feeling rejected and unlovable. The fates are funny like that. It feels as though the emotionally rich get richer and the emotionally poor get poorer.

Luckily, there are ways to find that much needed validation and it usually comes from forgetting about yourself.

Last week, I received a text from a person I least expected and honestly from someone who has been instrumental of late in creating an environment in which I feel unloved. We’ve been sharing little bits and pieces back and forth. However, I am truly guarded.

Today is felt nice to have a moment when I could look him in the eye and while tears streamed from mine, tell him how much he hurt me.

Speak the truth.

I’m glad I did it. I don’t think it changed anything. I certainly don’t think most boys, especially this boy, are emotionally capable enough of understanding the emotional journey of a woman, much less a woman like me.

Nevertheless, I would not have been able to speak this truth twenty days ago and I have every reason to believe it is because I have built for myself a world where I am happy outside of him or any other.

This Door Is Always Open

Day 19: What makes you happy?

I have a friend who has been as close to me as any I’ve ever had. We’ve been through good times and bad but mostly just some really great times. I love her. I love her family which she has easily and generously shared with me.

She is married and the mother of three. She is beautiful. She is rational. She is truly the jelly to my peanut butter. We approach life differently and we are currently living nearly opposite lives.

But I love her so much. I will never understand how this match ever came to be. I know how it works. Many times it has been said “opposites attract” and she married a male version very similar to me.

As I drove home from work, she phoned me to tell me she was going to the store to get candy for her kids’ Easter baskets. She asked me if I wanted to tag along.

Absolutely. Anytime I get one on one time with her, I’m stoked. It’s hard to share one of the best friends I’ve ever made with a spouse, children, neighbors, etc… She is good to me. I know when she asks me which candy I love most, it’s because I will reap some of Sunday’s spoils.

I don’t know if she is making the biggest difference in the world, but she is making the biggest difference in the world to me. I’m inspired by her.

Tonight I had a meeting with a spiritual leader who I esteem highly. However, I was greeted by his executive secretary first. This young man, this peer of mine, visited with me for about ten minutes. In the ten minutes we shared, he asked if I was dating anyone.

I explained my classic story of girl meets boy, girl and boy become very close, girl falls in love with boy, and boy doesn’t feel the same. You know, regular Hollywood stuff. Heartbrokenly ever after.

In a world of people missing opportunities to connect with one another, this guy took it. At the end of the thirty second recap, he frankly stated the boy to be a fool. Then we shared a connection. He impressed me.

I work at a large corporation and have one thousand co-workers. Our company’s CEO and other executive administrators are fairly tucked away from us. Yet I have managed to put myself on the radar with them. They have talked with me, laughed with me, and even bought me lunch. I am fortunate to mingle with them and observe their expertise.

What makes me happy? People make me happy.

One Size Does NOT Fit All

Addendum to my music appreciation lesson.

For those of you who are looking for something prettier, I'm suggesting Beethoven's Pathetique Sonata 1st Movement. I will even spoon feed it to you here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lq4G3KRAuXc

Certainly you will enjoy this one!

Breather

Day 18: Know when to break.

When it's midnight and end of month at work, take a blogging sabbatical. Smile. Now go to bed.

From Romanticism To The 20th Century

Day 17: Share a piece of you with the world.

It seems to me nowadays, everyone keeps a secure lockdown on their inner selves to the world. So I figured I’d share a piece of me with you to combat any natural tendencies I may have lingering in the wake of an experience or two.

Tonight I present to you, after a very professionally difficult and emotionally stressful day, my top five songs I decompress to at work, home, or wherever else I may deem necessary. Of course they share matching genres but I listen to them in the same order each time.

Don’t rush the calm. Peace feels sweeter when you allow the unyielding angst to soften, liquefy, and then dissolve from your being.

5. Sergei Prokofiev – Toccata in D Minor Op 11: I love this piece. I always start with this toccata because although it may not be the most soothing classical piece out there, it is a piece which acts as a showcase for any virtuoso pianist. Every time I hear it, I dream about being THIS good. A piece so technically challenging, the composer himself confessed, while good with his technique, he was not good enough to master it. Uh-may-zing. (youtube the Vladimir Horowitz version. Wait until 3 minutes and 30 seconds into it until you hit that sweet spot (known as the theme) after those chromatic scales and repeating D’s… you’re welcome.)

4. Johann Sebastian Bach – Cello Suite No 1 G Major AND No 2 in D Minor: Though titled The Six Suites for Unaccompanied Cello, most recognize them as the cello suites. I refuse to allow the commercialism of the first movement to offput me from the genius which is Bach even outside of the piano. I don’t care how many jewelry companies have corrupted these pieces in advertisements, I love them. Also I want to have the framed sheet music of the first movement hung as art in my home. It’s a visual masterpiece. (The melodic swelling from about 1 minute and 45 seconds until 2 minutes and 15 seconds.)

3. Frederic Chopin – Etude Op 10 No 3: Perhaps better known as his Etude in E, this piece stills my mind. I have a sentimental connection for it as I know it to be one of my mother’s very favorites. She would play and replay it over in the car and it is one of few pieces I ever heard my mom rewind and start again upon completion. Finally, I was asked to play this piece for my entire high school my junior year as National Honor Society inductees were announced. (Obviously I was not inducted as I sat in a corner of the stage creating an ambiance.) Playing publically and classically can be unnerving. Yet this piece was powerful enough in tranquility to easily combat both of those emotions.

2. Sergei Rachmaninoff – Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini, Op 43 Variation XVIII: If you say 18th Variation to most pianists, they’ll know what piece you’re referencing. When I think back to my piano lessons, I think of my semi-Nazi teacher (oh but she was goooood) who commenced every lesson with scales, scales, and more scales. I am still faster at chromatic scales than any other person I’ve ever challenged. But on weeks when we did arpeggios, it just made mathematical sense to me. I enjoyed arpeggios. Even as cliché as this piece is, maybe I find it so soothing to hear those full keyboard arpeggio scales being pounded out in the middle of the piece. (youtube the Arthur Rubinstein version and you’ll get chills.)

1. Johannes Brahms – Klavierstucke, Op 118 No 2: The man invented the lullaby many times over. This is NOT his lullaby you are familiar with. This is nirvana. I lay my tongue to rest. If you listen to any piece listed here now, this one, I beg of you. (Go Go Go!)

Enjoy!

A Transcendental Hour

Day 16: Actively meditate.

Experience then move on.

I sat silently in the middle of the couch in an empty living room in a vacant house. The blinds to our front window were pulled up revealing one of the prettiest views of the setting golden sun against a snow-capped mountain with a clear blue sky for a backdrop.

It looked as beautiful as it sounds. Just when it seemed as though this painting was perfect, the moon crested the mountains and I couldn’t believe the sheer size and whiteness of it. Was it full? I glanced at the clock to see what time it was. 7:42PM on the most magnificently stunning, noiseless evening in over two years for me.

There was no television. There was no music. There were no stimuli.

Previously in the day, my mind drifted upon an earlier friend from a different time in my life. I was looking through my email searching for a specific letter I once sent and I stumbled upon another email thread with this friend.

My heart ached all over again as I re-faced some of the experiences we shared. Nostalgia has a way of romanticizing the past and I dove emotionally into an area I probably would have been better off not reliving.

So when I sat gaping towards the purple mountained majesty which was my front yard this evening, I decided to meditate. One full hour. Come what may.

In stillness, I watched the sun’s light wan as the moon’s light waxed. The sky went from a visible light blue to a heavy dark blue bowing in modesty before the fierce pose the fire white moon struck.

Another evening ushered in. Another chapter.

I am waiting right now for the response to something big. Something which will greatly impact my quality of life for the next little while.

Once I see this through, like the day, I am ready for another chapter.

Then Wake Up & Do Something More

Day 15: Wake up early and do something.

I’ve spent the better part of my life missing life before 8AM. I imagine my theory behind this was to see what exactly I am missing.

Well, I suppose I will never find out what happens WELL before 8AM.

Eight o’clock in the morning is the time I woke up this morning. However, I contest this still counts because I sacrificed a day to sleep in for a day to get going while others were sleeping in.

I had taken my mobile phone in my hands to look at the time no sooner than it started to ring. My friend, S, was phoning and there are a handful of people I answer the phone for while I’m in bed. S is one of those.

“Hello, girl,” I groggily croaked.

“Good Morning, E! What are you doing right now? What are your plans for the day?” she chirped cheerfully into my ear.

“Nothing. I have nothing planned yet.”

“Well then I’ll be at your house in a half hour. I need to go to Salt Lake to pick out bridesmaid dresses for all of us bridesmaids.”

“Yay,” I murmured in monotone. “I’ll get ready.”

Without missing a beat, I put down the phone and immediately got out of bed. I knew I wasn’t going to shower. I knew I would only pull on some old jeans and a top. I knew all of this would take me 5 minutes.

But I knew today was my fourth attempt to execute this early morning gig and I just couldn’t handle another failed endeavor.

I was out of bed. I looked around. Should I read? Should I listen to music? Should I clean my room? What do people do when they are up early and are not early risers.

So I knelt. Beside my bed I knelt. I rested upon the mattress as if I were preparing for prayer.

Of course I ended up praying. What else was that position going to lead to? I hadn’t intended to pray and yet there I found myself prepared for no other task but that one.

I finished and straight away rolled onto my bum. Now what? I gazed out my window and up at the clear blue sky. Today was sunny and beautiful and I was just excited to get started.

So I picked up some clothes, put away some shoes, and hung up a towel.

You know, waking up early probably means more to someone with a routine. Exercise. Meditation. Whatever. I'm glad this morning only provided me with thirty minutes of reverence versus an hour or two of such.

Still, by the time 3PM had rolled around, I had been to Salt Lake City and back. I had spent quality time with a dear friend. I had been to the gas station, mall, and grocery store. And I was with my roommate headed out for a tanning session.

However most importantly, I had been up and about for seven hours per my usual Saturday three. Yes. There is something to be said for the productivity of the morning hours.

Doing Some Dishes

Day 14: Unburden yourself from the unnecessary.

A plate can only hold so much. If you need to add something to it, remember to clear something from it.

This week, I had a few unpreventable scenarios come up which added to my plate. It is so easy for me to feel overwhelmed to the point of paralysis.

However today, I actively refused to be paralyzed by my load and actively unloaded some burdens. I did it in the form of bills.

I am fortunate to sufficiently have enough money for my needs. I’m lucky to say I can pay all my bills every month in totality. Yet, do I?

I have no excuses. There are times I slothfully dream of an assistant to look after the details of my life. I could tell you I’m so busy but exhaustion seems more accurate and also more defining of my indolent behavior.

Let me clear up a matter. I pay my bills. Rent. Car. Insurance. Utilities.

It’s the non-routine bills I struggle with. The two unpaid parking tickets. Why not just pay them? Because I want to fight the one. A car occupying three-fourths white curb and a quarter red should not be ticketed, right? Etc…

Today, I seated myself in front of my computer and minimized every work occupied window. I dug into my handbag for my wallet and pulled out my bank card. These bills would be paid in full and off of my mind, today.

I carefully brought up the websites to allow my payment, entered in passwords, and supplied billing information. When completed, I reviewed my 401K and increased my deposited amount. I phoned my broker and discussed my options for current and future investments.

Still most importantly, I devised a new found budget and implemented it immediately. I allotted a weekly amount to myself, went to the bank, withdrew the cash and am allowing myself to spend only that which I have allocated. IE. Until the cash is gone.

Perhaps there is no un-burdening which employs happiness more than financial freedom.

Happy as a clam from my spring cleaning, I booked a trip to Hawaii in the beginning of May for my friend and me. I get it. I'm ridiculous. Still, soon I'll be bronze and ridiculous.

Now I'm Feeling It Even More

Day 13: Don’t give up on your goal… I mean, goals… I mean, dreams.

This is a double edged task as I’m waning in my desire to stick out thirty days. I will stick out thirty days. However, the ironic life parallel is not lost on me.

My favorite “getting skinnier everyday” Gopher Tortoise talked with me last night until 1 o’clock her time which is a big deal for a mom of four. I know she loves me. Amidst all of the giggling and messing around, she gave me one of the best little pep talks I’ve had in awhile.

Whilst discussing how we could help out someone who was in a rough situation, she frankly declared we couldn’t. What followed was a stream of thoughts about people having their agency and how so much of what is going on in our lives at any given time has much to do with our choices.

The best part of this philosophy is this. You have a lot more control over your life than you may realize.

She continued talking about obtaining her little slice of heaven here on earth, elaborating on the choices she makes to get her what she wants.

While listening to her speak, it kind of hit me. The question isn’t IF you can have a slice of heaven here on earth. The answer to that is not only yes but it’s what you’re here for. The question is WHAT are you doing to get your slice of heaven here on earth?

Everyone has aspirations. The romantics call them dreams. The logical call them goals. Still the objective is the same. In the end you’re looking for your little slice of heaven here on earth. I’ve been writing about mine for fourteen days now.

So make a choice today which will bring you closer to your heaven. And by all means, don’t give up on those dreams.

Yes, You Can

Day 12: Think. Don’t do.

If you want something, you have to go out and get it, right? Yeah, but I think sometimes you have to put up your sails and allow the wind to do its job.

It was on a summer evening after dinner was eaten and the dishes were done. I was twelve-ish years old. Some of my siblings were gathered together watching television. I was in the back of the living room on a blue leather couch reading a book watching the sun set.

I looked on as the glowing orb fell below the horizon but left a bright orange sky behind. I inspected in awe as the sky blushed from red into orange and somehow through purple and then blue. My view from the front windows through which I peered afforded me a kaleidoscope of colors as the empty green meadowed landscape slipped into a rainbow of atmosphere.

The last two hours of daylight. I love it.

Today after work, I sleepily crept through the backdoor of my apartment to find no one home yet. I climbed the flight of stairs to my room and was immediately seized by the setting sun’s blazing gold light pouring through the west windows.

I walked into the bedroom and sat down on the floor where most of the beams were deposited. Sitting Indian style, my mind gathered every tiny detail it could about the conditions so it could store it away in the stockpile which was that emotion.

I have thousands of those memories, no two the same, yet each one so similar in content. Upon quick reference, the feeling seems to be happiness. Upon further inspection, depth and clarity of the memories afford a much stronger resemblance to peace.

Where there is peace, I can promise you there is happiness. Sometimes the only way to extend an invitation to peace is to make friends with silence. So stop moving.

I Have No Excuse

Day 11: Do something you find embarrassing.

This one only made it on my list a few days ago while conversing with a friend. We were talking about the difference between our happiest times in life and not. I straightforwardly declared, “you start feeling like crap the moment you take yourself too seriously.”

Ding. Ding. I didn’t realize how quickly the time to do something embarrassing would come.

My friend A is the world’s best deal finding, coupon clipping, penny saving woman I know. She can usually make money on a transaction. Pair this board game weekly savings with a $5 dollar back store coupon then after she mails in the rebate, she’s somehow earned money.

Several of my favorite texts have become A’s midday communication regarding some absurd deal. However today at 3 o’clock, I couldn’t help but laugh at the text I received.

“RC Willey is selling the New Moon DVD for $8.95 in case you want to own it. ;)”

I found myself in a moral dilemma. I am more than willing to tell you I have read all of the books. I am more than willing to tell you I received the boxed book set this past Christmas as a gift.

I am also more than willing to tell you how last year, some of my friends who usually call me up to borrow from my movie collection phoned looking for Twilight. I explained to them I didn’t have it. When they inquired how this could be so, I elaborated simply by relating there was no way I could ever respect myself if I ever purchased that movie.

At the end of August last summer, I received the movie Twilight as one of my birthday gifts from a friend. We all shared a good laugh over it.

So today’s text conflicted me. One: Was New Moon’s release date today? (Secretly I’m giddy for June’s third installment and this just means I’m that much closer.) Two: I already own the first movie. What can’t I respect about it all? My owning or my purchasing? Three: Can you really ever pass up a deal for the two disc, widescreen, special edition version of any movie for $8.95?

I picked up my phone and called the friend who gifted me the first movie. “What should I do?” I queried. She frankly told me to buy it right away and to head to her house where she would provide the pizza if I brought the movie.

So for something embarrassing. I left work at 4:30 feeling as dirty as a mistress knowing she’s en route for the motel rendezvous.

“Was I really going to do this?” I couldn’t stop questioning myself. But alas I parked the car outside of the RC Willey outlet. It was on the way home and I literally didn’t have to drive one foot out of my way to get there.

I snatched my wallet out of my purse and shuffled through the entrance. I kept my head tucked down and was approached by my first salesman. To know RC Willey is to know everyone working there earns commissions from their sales. The employees are like vultures.

“Can I help you with anything,” he asked and I curtly replied I was fine. But I wasn’t. I looked around. I could see the couches. I could see the mattresses. I could see the washers and dryers. I could even see the televisions and electronics. Yet I could not see the DVDs.

I felt as mortified as those “standing naked in the town square” dreams leave you feeling. Did I really have to ask someone where the DVDs were?

“Excuse me. Where can I find the DVDs?”

“Aw, you must be here for New Moon,” he replied.

“Actually I’m not, “ I countered in as bold faced a lie I ever told. He pointed me in the right direction and it took me seconds to realize all of the shame I harbored was for nothing. I couldn’t find the movie. The fates were against me. Mocking me in my un-truths.

Exasperated, I looked towards the cashier for help. “Are these all the movies you have?”

“Yes, ma’am,” she responded. “Are you looking for New Moon because we’ve sold out of that
one?”

“Nope, I’m just browsing,” and I felt my soul slowly slipping away. I was a murderer. A slayer of the truth. No, I was delusional. Had I completely lost touch with reality and my factual reason for being in this very establishment?

I quickly moved toward the exit only to be approached by another 3 salesmen or so. With my eyes glued to the floor, I exited the building and briskly walked to the car.

Still I pulled out my phone and as nimbly as my fingers worked, I couldn’t believe what I was doing. I had immediately googled the RC Willey in the bordering town and was mid-dial before I felt a new wave of anxiety.

Was I really going to do this? Was there any force to step in and save my self-dignity?

I suppose not, because I was beyond securing the information by that point. Yes, indeed they had the movie and would I like them to reserve one for me. I answered the best I could. No, thank you.

This RC Willey was no outlet. The square footage was tripled which meant the distance between me and the movie was tripled. All the way in the back far corner. This also meant the number of salesmen had tripled. These were their sharpest dressed and smoothest tongued creatures reserved for battles waged against the middle class working man.

Immediately I was approached and I shortly inquired, “DVDs?” He pointed to the back. I hastily marched through the furniture which stood as road blocks aimed to divert my straight arrow tactic from point A to point B.

I listened as I heard one salesman enlighten a shopper, “and if you spend $1000 today, we will throw in a copy of Harry Potter for free.”

Just when you think you are free from humiliation and disgrace, the only thing between you and the movie is the cashier requesting your phone number, email address, and other personal information to set up nothing short of a line of credit.

The last thing I needed was this purchase, of ALL of the purchases I make this year, to be so closely linked to my very identity.

“Is this necessary? I just want to buy the movie for my friend as a gift. She will absolutely love this.” What the heck was wrong with me? This was it. The point of sale. I couldn’t finish the transaction without a final lie? No under aged werewolf, I mean vampire, fine I mean werewolf was worth it.

So with all of the false information I could summon spur of the moment relayed, I walked out having sold my soul for a total of nine dollars and fifty-three cents.

If you want to borrow it, please call. Heaven knows I’ve paid the price for it.

But I laughed all the way to the car, all the way through the movie, and I’m even laughing now while writing this. I’m absolutely ridiculous.

Zzzzzzz

Day 10: Take a nap.

The objective was to slow down.

I’m incredibly social. Butterflies have nothing on me. I actually have anxiety at the thought of missing out on anything. Consequently, I spend the better part of my life doing everything.

My roommate is always making fun of me. “What are you doing tonight?” she’ll ask at 5:30PM after a hard day at work and my butt seems parked on the couch watching TV.

“Nothing. I just need a break. I’m staying home tonight,” I’ll answer.

“No you won’t. You always say that and then you always go out anyway.”

She’s right. I have probably once in the two years of living with her said I would stay home the entire evening and then stayed home an entire evening.

I’m getting older and though you may expect me to state how tired my body is, I’m considerably more laden down by how tired my mind is.

Tonight, I came home from playing with friends. It was an early night for me. I strolled into an empty apartment and staggered into the living room. The street lamps cast shadows on our walls and I fell down into the couch for a moment to think.

My mind started racing. Even though I knew the east coast was two hours ahead and my sister, a mother of four, was probably in bed, I still decided to call her. Because I had a financial question. And if I can get just one more thing off my mind, maybe I’ll feel less exhausted.

However, I digress. Today at work, things were slow. I was doing my best to proactively keep my mind from drifting on a day whose mental equation was perfectly constructed to do so.

I slouched in my work chair replaying a moment of the morning over and over again. I just needed a nap. If only I could take a nap, I don’t know, maybe it would all be better.

Then the idea came. Go home and take a nap.

Ten minutes later I was peeling off my boots, slipping out of my dress, and sliding into bed.

There is nothing better than going against the masses. I think it’s why I prefer being a night owl. I feel peace when I know others are tucked away in their beds resting. While they sleep, I’ll grocery shop, do laundry, or go for a drive to clear my mind.

Napping in the middle of the workday gave me the same kind of high. Only the sun was out. I turned my phone to vibrate. Trust me. There was a smile on my face as I effortlessly fell asleep.

Pages I've Wasted

Day 9: Journal unfiltered.

Being so honest in my writing is cathartic. So you’d be surprised how much I filter in my journal.

Each day I carry in my handbag a wallet, a journal, a notebook, and no fewer than ten lip glosses. I carry the wallet to live my life, the journal to feel my life, and the notebook to feel my life honestly.

When I contemplate the idea of my journals being read by future posterity, I’m excited. I have spent a good deal of my existence thinking, evaluating, and recording. I’ve been a scientist to the human condition or at the very least MY human condition. I have asked questions, hypothesized, conducted experiments, and secured personal conclusions.

Still with all of the completed journals I own, I’m embarrassed by entry number two EVER of an eight year old girl declaring her love for Luke Perry. I sat there as an eighteen year old re-reading shamefully in my condemning handwriting my ridiculousness. Needless to say, I’ve been filtering ever since.

Now when I feel something I would rather not pass along to forthcoming generations, I pull out the notebook and compose unabashedly.

Today I thought about one affair of the last twelve months which deeply affected me. And then I wrote it. I wrote it ALL out. I wrote until my hand hurt, then took a break, then continued writing more. I wrote the good, the bad, and the ugly. I wrote what I love about how I handled it and I wrote what I would have changed if I ever could.

Today I gifted myself the gift of earnestness.

Breaking Bread

Day 8: Lunch with friends.

"The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it’s the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him...” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

A dear friend joined me early in the morning and sat by my side watching VH1’s top 20 countdown. This is how I know she loves me. Not because she dislikes the show rather I know she’d prefer to do anything else in the world then watch TV on a Saturday morning.

When the number one video had aired, it was time to formulate some plans. A gal should get out of the house every day, period. Whether she has four kids or is a single as a dollar bill.

While driving to the mall, I received a text requesting a lunch date. Lunch was on the docket with the friend whose presence I was currently partaking in but alas we prioritized the episode and included another.

After being distributed our menus in California Pizza Kitchen, happiness was easily secured as a good game of “Marry, Screw, or Kill” quickly ensued. (Don’t know what it is? Easy. Matt Damon, George Clooney, Brad Pitt. Get it now? You can judge all you’d like but I love the game and laugh easily when playing it.)

Still the best part of the lunch was the dreamy dark haired, fiercely blue eyed boy sitting diagonally adjacent to me.

I spent the better part of 45 minutes locking eyes with him, looking away from him, and simply lusting after him. I feel happy that after nearly a month, I WANT to look at another man like that. (In the vein of all girl lunches being giddy, I frankly declared to my companions, “I want to have sex with him.” Oh, who cares?)

So it was easy to write a note thanking him for being eye candy to have our server deliver to him.

Makes It Worth The While

Day 7: Revel in a happy memory.

This assignment serves as a reminder of fate’s fickle hand and is as simple as targeting the concept “this too shall pass.”

I’ve been in the most tumultuous relationship for a little more than two years.

When we met, I thought the fit was as good as I could ever hope to secure. I found the match advantageous for me in every way. But it only took a week for me to quickly discover I was in way over my head.

However, I fought for this connection. I rolled up my sleeves and dug in as I had never in my life done before. I had quit far easier affairs over much less.

As is unavoidable, the more I invested myself into this relationship, the more I felt inclined to sacrifice for this relationship. The more I sacrificed for this relationship, the more love I cultivated in the relationship.

Six months later, when I felt as though I was comfortably settling in to this association, I was hit by a devastating blow which almost divided me from my partner forever.

By some enormous miracle, I refused to give up my baby and this time I pulled on some boots and hiked up my pants to match my sleeves to go at it once more.

My constant companion of these past two years has been my job. I have given it my all and beyond. I have poured more blood, sweat, and tears into this endeavor than I have anything else in my life ever.

My happy memory is simply this. On my white board at work is a lavender post-it whose edges have dry-erase remnant on them and whose corners are curling.

It reads simply: Stop Smiling So Much!

The post-it was modestly left on my desk by a co-worker who watched me come out of my boss’s office upon acquiring the news of my hard earned promotion after a couple rounds of excruciating interviewing six months ago.

As is customary, the news is confidential until every candidate has been notified and an official communication goes out from management.

I love this crinkled souvenir from one of the happiest days of my life.

You Should Know...

Day 6: Find a product you love and rave about it.

Initially, I just wanted a good excuse to go to the store and spend a bunch of frivolous money on products I never allow myself to buy in the name of happiness.

I placed this on my “happy list” the first night I was in bed with my mind racing through this 30 day thing over and over again.

One of the most impactful things I learned from a human behavior class regarding happiness has long since stuck with me. Your happiness at any given time depends on your ability to define yourself. Strengths. Weaknesses. Likes. Dislikes. Clinically we call it self-actualization.

Often times in the throes of marital or personal dissatisfaction, we frequently hear, “I just don’t know who I am anymore,” or any derivative of that concept (who he is anymore, he/she’s not who I married, I feel lost, etc…)

There is even an entire movie built around this premise. Runaway Bride. Essentially a happy person is a person who at the end of the day can not only tell you how they like their eggs but do so easily and quickly.

You will see this theme frequently from the heroes of historical narratives and most powerfully, the Savior of the universe nearly always introduces Himself by defining who He is.

“I am the Alpha and Omega. I am the beginning and the end. I am the light and the life, I am holy,” etc… and perhaps His most authoritative self declaration, “I am the Lord your God.”

Nevertheless, I’m not here to preach a sermon and this is not a collegiate course.

Finding a product was to be a process in which I found happiness through finding me. But I didn’t have to spend frivolous money after all.

Tonight I sat in front of the TV with friends and I began a process I have easily done one hundred times in the past year.

I took off and put on nail polish. I LOVE THIS HABIT.

I love painting my nails. I have been dedicated to the practice at least once every three days for the past year plus. I enjoy the clean finished look. I enjoy the feminine touch it adds to an outfit or my own personal confidence.

I am an OPI freak and can tell you the names of every single color I own. I can delineate between the collections. I love painting my nails.

Honestly, in all of the entries I’ve posted so far, I like this one the most. It makes me the happiest.

I am H and N’s daughter. I am one of many siblings. I love the sun and the ocean. Loyalty is the most important character trail to me.

I love linens especially high thread count sheets and big bright beach towels. I try to laugh often and to get others to laugh with me. I love seeing movies on opening night.

I am lactose intolerant but can’t resist oreos and milk. I am a naturally cheerful person. I love long hugs when you can feel the adoration of the other towards you. I am a night person.

And I LOVE painting my nails.

Eating Ebelskivers Emotionally - Who? Me?

Day 5: Try a brand new recipe.

My intention for slipping a toe into the world of domesticity was to widen my experience in being a “jack of all trades.”

I enjoy people. My business, my livelihood, my very keep depends on me relating to people. The reason I excel at it is because I genuinely enjoy people.

Yet to relate to many different types of people is to find a common interest to build a relationship on. I enjoy and seek opportunities to be a “jack of all trades.” Trust me. I’m aware I’m the master of none.

So for this task, I put feelers out to my friends. It went like this.

E: I need a recipe I’ve never made before.
S: Ooohh, aebelskivers.
E: What?
S: Aebelskivers. They’re Scandinavian and delicious and you’re going to love them.
E: Say it again.
S: Aebelskivers.
E: Are you kidding me?
S: Aebelskivers. They’re Scandinavian and delicious and you’re going to love them.
E: What the heck. (Her enthusiasm alone sold me.)

Aebelskivers. If you search them online, you’ll want to search for ebelskivers because they’re “Scandinavian and delicious” but unless you can find the little symbol which will run the A and the E into each other, you might as well submit to our Americanized spelling of it.

You’re searching for them online because you’re going to need a special pan to make them.

I started by making the dinner appointment for after work. I sadly moseyed into my friend’s house, and immediately laid face down into the carpet on the living room floor.

Then I had a meltdown.

As actively as anyone is in finding joy in life, every now and then a rough day is going to creep in and I suppose it’s my fault for peeing in the pool.

Upon returning to my mission, my blonde haired, blue eyed friend asked if I remembered the buttermilk. The only ingredient she asked me to bring.

Enter expletive. Back into the car and off to the store we went. (We both drink soy milk, so before you offer up the vinegar/cow milk trick, it was off the table in this instance.)

I basically forsook my Irish heritage on this St. Patrick’s Day for a Danish indulgence which obviously reminded me of the Chronicle of Narnia’s Turkish Delight.

I'm Peter (clearly) in the white witch's sleigh (the grips of boy) trading my birthright (a proper Irish adult beverage) for temporary relief (aebelskivers.)

The result is a pan fried ball scone crepe crispy smooshy spongy pastry pancake piece of goodness. How to eat it includes but is not limited to butter, powdered sugar, jam, chocolate fudge, cream cheese spread, syrup, or any combination if not a combination of all of the above (which I did.)

These aebelskivers were EXACTLY the perfectly fit recipe, from the perfectly matched company, to remedy the perfectly sour disposition, combating the perfectly rotten four o’clock, of an otherwise perfectly decent holiday.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!!

5 Chords and the Half-Truth?

Day 4: Spend an hour practicing a forsaken talent.

Forget about taking time to wow people. Wow yourself. Fine, go ahead and wow others as well.

When my mom was in town a week or so ago, we spent one cold dark evening hibernating in my bedroom. It was the first time in my life I ever, for two fleeting seconds, saw what my mom could look like as a friend instead of a parent. She oddly resembled a roommate as she was chilling on my bed and I was on the floor folding laundry.

She gazed around my room and though clothes and a coat draped over it, she noticed my guitar stashed in a corner. She asked how frequently I played. I hmm and uh huh’d around the issue a little.

Still when your mama asks you to play that song you played for her four years earlier, in a moment when you know you wowed her, no matter how obliging or un-obliging you are, you pick the clothes off piece by piece and reveal the instrument you know you should be better at than you are.

I have to confess initially I started a bit gun shy. My voice is rough and raspy. My fingers have gotten so clumsy on both a piano and guitar. To tell you the truth, it has been quite awhile since I’ve considered music a talent of mine. I’ve been rusty for way too long and I feel acutely the loss of something I once had quite developed.

Yet somewhere in between the first “hallelujah” and the last “baby, I’m falling away,” it had become fun for me. As I finished, I opened my eyes.

I became so wrapped up in the music, I went into auto mode. My world. A world where I’m not onstage and I could care less about work, boys, or anything else.

A decent performer finds this place. The place where nerves disappear and it’s about you and the instrument.

So when I came to, I was shocked to see my mom just looking at me. I saw her mouth open to say something and shamefully I thought, “oh dear. Here it comes.”

I was just as shocked when she declared, “Elizabeth, you should try out for American Idol,” matter of factly.

I laughed for many reasons. I’m too old for one. And somehow in the moment, I thought, I’m one of those crappy singers whose parents tell them they’re actually good. Oh shoot.

Aside from all of my insecurities, this was huge for two reasons. My mother is someone who I very much look up to musically. She’s older now and her voice has lost the unblemished, much practiced, control of days past. But I know her ear is still relatively good. (Mary, stop giggling.)

It was by falling asleep to her playing the piano or listening to my dad and her play their guitars outside on the back patio on summer evenings I know she is more than qualified to comment.

Secondly, my mother spent a lifetime withholding compliments. I have to believe there were times she was not in competition with us and genuinely felt proud of our mediocre accomplishments. Still sitting on my bed that night, I swear I heard my mom allude to my being good at something more than scouring a toilet.

She doesn’t know it. But I have picked up that guitar nearly every day since that night, if only for ten minutes. And right now I’m smiling.

Last Saturday I decided my repertoire could use some dusting off and updating. I sat for nearly four hours and practiced until my fingers were dirty from oxidizing against the steel strings. I picked out two songs from my library and put in the hours to learn them both.

I once had a college professor announce if we would go home every night and merely re-read the notes we had taken in class that day, every day we had class, we would learn the material and more than sufficiently pass his class or any class.

So taking his advice, if only one run through a day, I have picked up this guitar under that notion. Still today I set aside time to practice for one hour.

I feel good. I’m actually decent at this and have more than enough natural talent to be great at this. So I reiterate. Forget about taking time to wow people. Take time to WOW yourself. I promise it’ll make you feel good.

Late To Bed, Late to Wake, & Late to Bloom

Day 3: Wake up early and do something.

I’ve spent the better part of my life missing life before 8AM. I imagine my theory behind this was to see what exactly I am missing.

I set my alarm for 5:30 in the newly daylight savings morning.

With bleary eyes and a dazed mind, I dismissed this notion for another day. Moving on.

Revised Day 3: Give someone flowers.

Although I didn’t know what my objective would be exactly, upon discovering my approach, I suppose I just wanted to see someone unexpected, unexpectedly see me and smile.

I sat in a dark movie theater in the middle of the day. I wasn’t thinking about missing work to catch a flick with some friends. I was pondering how to get flowers out and who to get them out to.

Even though the obvious seemed to phone in an order to send someone some flowers, I just couldn't relive yesterday’s debacle of chasing down an address. I finally understand the never-ending bin of floral covered address books in Target’s one dollar section.

I contemplated purchasing a bouquet at the local flower shop, yet as the credits rolled I stumbled onto a concept I had given little thought to previously.

Why don’t I just buy the flowers, procure a vase, and arrange them myself? I mean, flowers are such happy things and I wasn’t going to keep them, so I might as well arrange away while basking in the scent and sight of one of nature’s better rainbows.

There she was. A beautifully stuffed, medium sized, glass vase erupting in white and plum garden flowers.

The kitchen appeared to be the workshop of some mad botanist. There were fraying amethyst ribbon scraps scattered among a sea of green leaves, stems, and stalks blanketing the table, floor, and sink.

I loved it. I didn’t want to give up such a cheery creation. Eleanore Roosevelt once geniusly stated, "where flowers bloom, so does hope."

Nonetheless, the project had already satisfied its merry purpose in my life and was meant to do the same for another.

After deciding against having a friend act as the delivery man or doorbell ditching anonymously, all I was left to do was decide upon a recipient. This was the hard part.

What did I want? What did I expect?

Someone unforeseen. Someone unexpecting me. And in that moment, the most unpredicted name popped into my head.

To know me is to know my best thoughts are the foreign thoughts of my mind. I can only describe it as an uploaded outsider in a carefully catalogued domain. One of these things is not like the others. It’s as glaring as a Picasso in a sea of Monets.

Delivery proved more difficult than I anticipated. Having been two years since I had visited my beneficiary, finding the home was arduous. Squinted eyes, small street markers, signed, sealed, and delivered the way I wanted them to be... I was glowing.

Still do you know what the happiest part of the rest of the day was? An hour more of sunny daylight and every time my fingers brushed my face, the smell of freshly cut flora reminded me spring is just around the corner.

Dear Loved-One...

Day 2: Compose and mail 10 cards.

The goal of this one is to simply get my mind off my selfish self and onto anyone else in this world.

Yeah. You heard me. Mail.

So I imagine I’ve already cheated at my game. Because today’s story started before today.

I mean, I’ve compiled a flexible list of 15 tasks for my modest experiment. I wanted to be sure I never missed a day because I was lacking an idea for a happy task. As today is Sunday and the post office is closed, I purchased stamps earlier.

I meandered into the archaic establishment we call the United States Post Office. Middle of the day. End of the week. How could this possibly be? A line? For mail?

Sure it’s cold outside but not Christmas. It’s a month, no two, no three past. Saint Patrick himself is the patron saint of alcohol. Saint Valentine, the patron saint of hallmark cards, has already moved along. Then why is everyone here right now?

In a desperate plot, I struggled for a plan to personally send a gmail invite to all of these woman. But the task to digitally educate seemed overwhelming. What next for them? Should I tell them about cameras on phones, photos on computers, and portable music on players as big as a stick of gum. No. I would not today. I could not today.

I left the line and walked over to a machine in the wall resembling an ATM. Sure this was to be my time saver and as big as my photo on this page was a touch button clear as day labeled “Purchase Stamps.”

Did these women know about this machine. Focus, E. You have work.

I purchased the stamps. The Liberty Bell stamp made my stomach ache for home. Focus, E. This is for a happy task. Not sad.

With stamps in hand, I felt that euphoric sensation rush my body. I walked to the car with the same feeling you get upon completing your taxes. “Sigh. Glad I don’t have to do that again for another year.”

I love pens. So with my favorite pen in hand, I penned 10 cards. It took an hour and a half. And I do feel happy.