An Epoch to Remember... or Forget.

“Set me on fire in the evening, everything will be fine. Waking up strong in the morning, walking in a straight line. Lately I’m a desperate believer…” – Silverchair

It has been a downward spiral for a few weeks now. Sadly those familiarly close with me have all had the opportunity to bear the brunt of the effects of the spiral. And it has not been pretty.

“One lie tells a thousand stories, the greatest stories that were ever told, one lie…” – Kelly Osbourne

Love has left a lot to be desired. There are times we are placed in another’s life and for whatever reason, it seems two can spend practically forever trying to chase each other aspiring to be on the same page while never quite obtaining it. After a year, it seems futile. Yet, sincere emotions are involved and investments in each other have been made. It seems impossible to make the cut. I’m left to ponder, is it supposed to be such a headache?

“But if you’re gonna leave, I’m asking you to please, go all the way to Mexico.” – Jump Little Children

Friends come and go. This is a fact found in many a lyric of countless songwriters. Though there will always be those who contest in kitschy ramblings of opposition. Perhaps to ease everyone’s feelings on the matter, I will attest friendships may not CEASE but paths separate and all which you thought would never terminate does eventually expire in relevance. Chew on that for a moment. Meanwhile, I am a witness, even now, to these expirations. Mourn with me folks as I am mourning currently the metamorphosis of those who once were. Of those who I once treasured above most else.

“If time could stop, how could I make this more poetic? When there’s nothing more pathetic to be said.” - Amber Pacific

As though living wasn’t tough enough dealing with life alone, it becomes even more difficult trying to “manage” life’s wallops against you. Ultimately, life is no longer an entity which you submit to as a victim but an entity which a smart person tries to conduct preventative damage control on constantly. Take roommates, for instance. You either take what comes with the utmost in flexibility (this is NOT me) or give a concerted effort to filter out potential disasters before they occur. This week has taught me life can foil any of my plans no matter how much “management” I assert in the department. And the new roommate… well, we shall see.

“Desperation is a tender trap, it gets you every time.” – U2

Work wouldn’t be work unless it was work. Can I get an amen? Work came to a head on Wednesday. It commenced with a disagreement with my boss and concluded with tears at least a third of the day long. Those who question the accuracy of the fraction, I assure you I have friends who will confirm the puffy eyes and the splotchy face and the numberless emails and phone calls placed. Though the tears were not always in direct result of my employment, my employment was the catalyst for breakdown of the many aforementioned stressors in my existence of late.

“I’ll stop the storm if it rains. I’ll light a path far from here. I’ll make your fear melt away, and the world we know disappear.” - Angels and Airwaves

On the positive, my constant anxiety has led to a decreased appetite. I believe I may have lost 2 or 3 pounds. Also, I have experienced the sweetness of loving relationships in both family and friends whom I have turned to despite their open knowledge of my doing so in the moment.

And finally, last night while conversing with of friend of my misery, I asked for a hug. He told me to start from the beginning and not leave out any details. When I questioned why, he simply commented he needed to know how long he was going to hug me.

I laughed and then semi-cried out my detailed story to him. Upon completion, I received my hug. When he asked if it helped at all, I assured him it truly did. When he further queried how that worked, I told him although it doesn’t relieve the stress in my mind, it temporarily replaces the hurt in my heart for a healing love in my heart. While I laughed off a statement about a desire to just be embraced for the next few days, I was surprised to hear him reply, I would hug you all day if you asked me to.

Since I am neither ridiculous nor irresponsible, the declaration was more than enough to ease my mind, an injury heretofore un-nursed.

“If you keep talking then I’ll keep walking in straight lines.” - Silverchair