The Hard Truth

I thought I came to Scotland to continue to live out my grand mission.

When I was at home, I worked and played but most importantly, I taught. I taught within my professional scope. I taught among my personal domain. And most meaningful to me, I taught in the spiritual sphere.

I spent every other week preparing myself to teach the word of God from His scriptures to those who knew more about the word of God than I ever could. But patiently the Lord used the calling to forge and to shape me. He used it to educate and sharpen my abilities both in my presenting skillset and more importantly my spiritual arsenal.

Each time I taught, many people would come up to me and thank me for my lessons. They filled me with praise. They spoke in gratitude and I tried not to allow the entire thing to get away from me. I tried to remember I had little to do with any of the experiences they were having. I knew it was the Lord through the spirit and I was only an instrument. I could have been anyone and would have been anyone if I had chosen to say no when someone extended me an offer.

I came to Scotland thinking I would show up in this dark and dreary world and I would let my light shine. I thought I would continue to be that teacher. I thought if I smiled enough someone would see there was something different about me. They would be so mystified. They would inquire. And all I had to do was share the gospel with them… or even the truth as I knew it. I would ultimately hope to convert but settle for making a difference by being a guide and showing them the way.

But I was wrong.

One of the things I have learned most after 8 weeks is this. I am nothing. I am a human here on my mortal journey trying to work out my salvation. I am responsible for me and above and beyond that consider it a miracle if I can bring save one soul unto God.

I thought I was supposed to come here and be the teacher. Imagine my surprise when after eight weeks, I had an epiphany.

In this chapter of my life, I am the student.

The transition has been really difficult at times. I expected great success and how I even defined that success is an enigma to me.

I am learning that many don’t want to hear and aren’t seeking the thing I wish most to share. I am learning that smiling is just freaking people out. I am learning that in all of this, I have failed greatly to recognize my pride, even my own hubris. All of this time, I have looked at these people as people who could learn something from me.

I see now that I am here to learn. The most obvious irony is that I am in fact, here as a student to learn. This small shift in paradigm is opening the darkest corners of my mind. I have so much to learn.

I am learning from the same professors I thought I was here to teach. I am learning from the classroom setting and from the students with whom I share courses. I am learning from them how to be the person I want to be and sometimes how not to be the person I don’t want to be.

I am learning from the ward, a place I expected to dive in and get to work showing them how it’s done. But I have so much to learn from them. I am learning from the missionaries with whom I joint teach. They are a decade younger than me but are so much more capable than I am at actually showing me what it means to share the gospel.

I am the student. I AM THE STUDENT.

And it took me 8 weeks to figure this out.