All the Best I Could Be

I’m in love with a married man.

Stick with me.

Twelve years ago, I kept steady company with a male friend I made in college. He was an insane musical talent. I spent hours in his presence while a guitar surrendered under his fingers and the masses submitted to his smooth velvety voice. His charm was unparalleled. And his mind… He had the most beautiful and discriminating intellect. To say I was in love with his mind is a vast understatement.

He was from Georgia and though we met at university while in Utah, he had some best friends from home whom he remained in contact. I had a few opportunities to speak with and even meet a few. But there was this one.

He was above average handsome. Though he appeared in a few acting gigs in college, his handsomeness wasn’t overwhelming. It was less intimidating and more inviting. Charm seeped from his being. He had shiny happy blue eyes. He had warm brown hair, the kind that looked like it may have been blond in younger days.

He greeted me with all the earnestness of a southern gentleman. His kindness was sincere. He was engaging and benevolent. He was one of the most tenderhearted spirits I ever had the privilege of meeting in this world. And all of his honor was apparent in one breath of his essence.

He was Good.

I spent two worthy days with this man. He was the kind of nobleman who silently crept in, intoxicated you with his virtue, amazed you with his integrity, and left you forever changed by his morality.

He too was musically talented and incredibly sharp. He was a purer version of my friend. 

Upon his departure, we became MySpace (yes) friends. This has since included Facebook and Instagram.

For twelve years, I watched from afar as he bettered his mind with graduate school in Scotland. I watched him travel and observed as he broadened his sophistication. I watched his natural love of people immerse him while he surrounded and absorbed himself in the best of civilization. His exposure to all of this only increased his optimism in humanity and his faith in God.

His ethical convictions are rooted in an open love of God. Of all things about him, I love this most. He studies the writings of honorable philosophers, principled men, and clearly anchores himself in holy scripture.

I believe this lends to his most attractive and most admired quality, his gift of perspective. He is the voice of reason. The antithesis of rash. The embodiment of brilliance.

He is grounded when others would float away. He is quick to differentiate what is now and what is good for now with regards to the future. He frequently reminds me what it actually means to be good and to do good. It has little to do with crappy bosses, material possessions, or fleeting trials.

I held my breath as he found love, lost love, and spoke of the restoration and healing powers of love. Propinquity is the only thing which for so long kept me from declaring my undying love for him. He is my soul mate. Or rather the soul mate of a girl who existed twelve years ago.

The truth is, time has passed. While he continues each day to become more and more the person I was supposed to be, I fear I have gone off track.

Still, there he is. 2000 miles away and without discrimination, he reminds me of who I used to be. Without judgment, he urges me to be a better person.