Sweet Emotion

An Enya CD
The Superman Emblem
A Christmas Tree
The 5 Olympic Rings
This one photograph of my sister and me.

These are a few things which stir great emotion in me. I’m engaged with a rush of powerful response towards all of these things.

I could take the time to explain why an Enya CD reminds me of our beach house, one agonizing sunburn, and my family. But it wouldn’t be worth it, because I’d have to scratch that story as soon as I told it to relate a completely different instance.

One involving another Enya CD on a cold autumn’s night with the bedroom window open, gripping the covers for dear life, and loving every second of it. Then I’d abandon that story for no fewer than 5 more great Enya recollections.

A week ago my world encountered a storm as big as I’ve ever been asked to weather. The story of which will not be recounted here as the re-telling of it has already worn out its welcome in my life.

However I will relate this much. There has only been one other time when I have felt so much. I was in torture so acute, so heavily laden in anguish, there are very real parts of the day which are blacked out in my mind with zero remembrance for hours at a time.

I offered one unanswered prayer many times that day, as many times as I could scarce grab the thought. “Please turn the emotions off. Please stop me from feeling. Please turn the emotions off. Please stop me from feeling.”

True to nature, my mind has been the frenzied product of a well employed heart. I’ve tried to sense and make sense of the turbulent feelings I’ve had from and towards the lessons I’ve been learning.

I am frequently heard to utter the comments “aahhh, it hurts my heart” or “awww, it warms my heart.”

About a month ago my roommate commented on the health of my heart after using one of these statements. She observed the regularity to which I exercise the organ noting I would either live a long life due to the relentless training or die young from sheer exhaustion.

So tonight while driving to a friend’s house, a lyric materialized in a song I usually skip which I had the fortunate and incredibly lucky blessing of hearing.

“Oh, there's no heart. And I've spent all this time feeling something you can't feel at all!”

And…wait for it… my heart leapt.

The obvious implication of the lyric has much to do with love, with romantic love. Yet I couldn’t help but apply more liberally the sentiment being presented to me.

Why are some of us so content to walk around this world building up fences, road blocks, and other fortifications around our feelings? Because if left vulnerable, one might get hurt?

I assure you, it will get hurt. You will love and lose. You will love and lose more times than you win. You will love and live, and live and learn. Perhaps even to despise that love.

But you will feel. You will feel a rainbow of emotions which will take a black and white world and color it with the vibrancy of existence. The very breath of life.

You will sit in your scanty boat while the winds and rains of living wallop down upon you and there will be tears.

Still, I also assure you those tears will NOT all be of melancholy. Since tears of melancholy generally bleed into achievement.

And when you look around to see who might rejoice in THOSE tears with you, it aches to see over half the population whose hearts have waxed cold and want to scream, “Oh, there's no heart. And I've spent all this time feeling something you can't feel at all!”

So tonight, ironically one week to the day, I have to say I’m grateful to feel. Even the stomach churning negative crap.